That little devil of me...

I believe I have been visiting by the devil recently and he did some test on me, on my birthday. And I did fail, for a moment.

I let my emotion took over me and then fear blinded me. I am a burnt child who still afraid of fire no matter how long it passed. That fear still haunts me, in my sleep or even when I wide awake. The fear of deception, the fear of loneliness, the fear of being unwanted, the fear of not being loved...

I saw a family was broken in pieces by liar and a thousand of broken promises. I then believe all men is the same. Until I found love, a guy whom I trusted that would never let me down. Another thousand promises I got, a million disappointment I received instead. I start to wonder if it was me...

Today when I am recovering, the same devil are knocking on my door again. Can I still trust men? Why should I let them let me down again? That same nasty devil just don't like to see me happy. And he loves to see me suffer when I was in the most vulnerable time. He won, for a few moment which I felt so ashamed of myself. I then felt terribly guilty for putting the person I love into my awkward delusion. Why should I doubt him? Why can't I stop blaming the others fault for my own? Why can't I just let the past go and living my happy life like those experience were just a nightmare?

I love this man so much that I don't want to loose him just because of that devil keeps teasing me. That devil of my past, like "Christmas Carol" but this isn't end in one day. It's been haunting me for an age. After the moment of realization, I did really want to give myself a big slap for my stupidity. I apologized for my disgusting behavior. And then I questioned myself, "Who you have made me become, you little devil!"

I'm sure that sneaky little devil will try to break through again to give a big grin for his victory over my failure. I shall confront him bravely and let him taste his own medicine, the defeat. I shall not let him win again.

I shall believe in love...

Yosita Anita V.

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