A lot more like "Love"

Sitting, drinking toffee nut latte and analyzing my life throughout this year 2011, it turns out to be such a dramatic awesome!! Thought some of you who's been following me through the year probably knows already what I have been through so I shall never repeat. I might sound a bit crazy but I will never ask to change a thing looking back at those days. I'm happy the way my story turned out. Everything happens for the reason which I believe, still. I can't say that I'm 100% happier but at some certain point, I am happier. Thank you everyone for your concern, your love and your care. Every time when an obstacle occurred, it just made me stronger and wiser. I've seen and learn a lot. Also thanks to those who gave me such an amazing lesson in "love and relationship" subject. One thing I want to say..Kids, stop whining and start living, experiencing life because when you were at my age and look back, nothing really matter at all. I'm going to enjoy...

The Great Pretender... How long can you pretend to be someone you are not?...At some point I'm pretty sure we do or we have to pretend. Just to please your parents, your friends, your boss or even your partner. But how long can you possibly do it unless you love to do so, enjoy to be...a pretender. "It's about who you are." I heard that a couple time before... In the past, I've never thought if I've ever had to pretend to be someone I wasn't. Especially in relationship, someone told me no matter how long you tried, some day you would be sick of loosing your true identity and couldn't help but going back to your old "you", your routine and your habit. I truly agree. I am a grown up now and I'm sick and tired of playing game. If I don't like anything, I will definitely make sure that you will know. I've never faked my expression, which it's so obvious that someone had to warn me "You wear your heart on sleeve! Which isn...

Destiny... I believe we come into each other's life for some reason. Either it's good or bad, it isn't our choice but to accept it. I have to admit that it was such a dramatic year of my life and I did try so hard to cope with it until this moment. I feel peaceful, I feel life... I accept now and I shall believe in my destiny. I'd like to thank to all my love who came into my life to teach me something. How I met you all was an incredible trick of fate. How we separated was also, tragic of course, another destiny. You all will always be in my heart but it's time for me to let things go, we have to eliminate some baggages to be able to fly, live my life and let my old friend, destiny, leads me the way she led me to you. We shall remember those good old day and shall forgive those mistakes. One thing I know for sure, I could live without you then, I can live without you now. You all have your own life and destiny so make every moment counts, until we meet again... ...

Friend with your ex? A couple days ago I accidentally watched Thai MV, story is about a couple which already broke up but then one day a guy sent his ex a request to be friend on Facebook. What would you do? Is it ok to be friend with your ex? I've heard that a few time recently. Someone said "No, because some part of you will always love them." and some said no just because it doesn't sound right and not a good idea. True for the first reason, some part of you will always love them. But in my opinion, isn't it good to have a friend who knows you better than anyone else? Who knows what you like and what you don't like. Who knows when you're in a good mood or in a bad mood. Who knows you inside out. Who else could be such a perfect good friend if it isn't your ex? Of course sometime they could possibly piss us off a big time but that why we loved them, didn't we? Before, I didn't think it would be such a good idea as well but then when I reconsi...

Rumors "Rumors are carried by hater, spread by fools and accepted by idiots.." I'm sure any of you have been in the rumor, voluntary or not, once in your life. For I have, several time, as far as I remember. The first time I was in the rumor, which I didn't expect because I trusted everyone at the time as I was just so new to the business, I was absolutely shocked. People whom I used to adore and gave such a highly respect and supposed to help me through were the people who wanted me down. At the age of 20, the rumor about me being slut and slept with every men in the shooting team leaked out without my knowledge. 12 years ago that kind of news had tremendous effect upon my teenage life and my career. I was struggled, didn't know what to do next. I didn't have a clue how to fight back. Those people still insisted to refuse their supportive and completely faded out of my life. And look at them now...but I have to thank them, to those whom appear to be such a ge...

Once a cheater... Once a cheater I was...not so proud of myself but hey I'm not an angel, I'm just a girl who makes mistake like the other. I believe as someone said, "Love conquers everything.", so I always choose to be with someone I loved rather than someone I didn't and believed that everything would be ok just because love conquers everything. I chose to hand somebody else the sadness and keep the happiness to myself. I handed someone else the embarrassment but embraced the pleasure to myself. How nice I was... Love is such a complicated subject. First I thought there isn't any definition because when you love someone, you just love them no matter what. But then "if you don't take good care of me, if you don't do this or that then I won't love you any more and I will go find someone else who can give me all of that." that's love I've learn...I first thought that love has no condition but to love. But I guess we all doesn'...

Story of a pretty bird A pretty bird in a magnificent cage. A man came to feed her from time to time. A man said, "My pretty little bird, I love you so much. I love when you sing to me. I love your beautiful feather. I love everything about you." A pretty bird could be happy and all smile the whole day... Then a pretty bird found out that there's another cage with another bird... A man still came to feed her from time to time...but less and less... Because now a man also had another bird... "Don't worry, my pretty little bird. My love for you is never less." a man said "He still fed me and said he loves me. That should be enough." a pretty bird thought... "Don't count the hour of separation but the moment we spent together." a man said "He still care about me and he still love me." a pretty bird thought... Less and less a man came... Less and less a man told a pretty bird that he loved her... "He has another bird now. I...

The hermit Have you ever thought why we need to have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc.? Why do we need to socialize, to communicate with the other? To make our life easier or more complicated? To make our life complete or just to make it lonelier? I've been asking myself so many times if we just allow people to get into our life to fulfill our emptiness, to share the joy, the happiness, the sadness and so on or for what any other purpose? In that case we also allow them to mess things up sometime as well. To distract us from our mind, our thought and our own will. "The more, the merrier", they said. But sometime it's like "the more, the messier.!" We all have our own idea of need and want and most of the time we spend so much time and energy on making decision. You could either enjoy the discussion and conversation or get irritated and frustrated. So either we end up happy and make other miserable or vice versa. It's win win situation as someone s...

It's been 32 years...I've changed, I've experienced life, I've learn, I've lived and I survive. But I am always the same "ME". Just because you've never seen the other side of me doesn't mean it doesn't exist and does't mean that you have to be scare. And because I changed doesn't mean I am not the same person whom you knew before. I am, and always, changing like a water; flow or still or frozen as ice. (I am Aquarius, of course.) You surely have the right to walk away if you don't like what you see but it would be nice if you insist to stay and say "Who cares! That's the person I love and always will be, no matter what.!" Yes, that would have been nice indeed... "Love has no reason and it has no rule but to love." I won't love you less if you don't dress the way I like. I won't love you less even when you act stupid. I won't love you less if you forget our anniversary. I won't love you le...

It's been a couple month since I had such an amazing roller-coaster emotional ride; I was mad, I was furious, I was so confused, I was depressed then I was happy and finally I feel great about myself again. At the moment I'm cautiously content and my emotions are more stable, which is good. It's easier to handle life when you're cool and calm and ,of course, full of consciousness. It was quite a good experience I've learn in this few month and I had to learn it the hard way to realize that I was such a terrible partner. I was wrong to ignore my partner's need, I was wrong to ignore his feelings and I was totally wrong to let the history of failed relationships which run in the family interfere in mine. If I am still stuck in/with the past, how can I have a future? Absolutely not. Despite all the facts and what happened, I still love him...very much. I don't expect anyone to understand why. I am a reasonable person so, if this is the way it is supposed to be,...

March,Friday 18, 2011 March, Wednesday 30, 2011 are the day I shall remember...

A few years back, around February time. I was dumped by a man I loved. I was left clueless for 3 whole months. I lost a trail of him, lost in contact. I had a serious heart-broken for the first time in my life. I was hurt, badly. In the morning, I would wake up and cried, sometime I would constantly cry for a day and at night when I went to bed I would cry until I could sleep. It was totally a mess and I thought I was gonna go crazy. It's such a painful feeling. I had such a horrible and difficult time until I ,fortunately, could get myself altogether and made it through before I ,eventually, succeeded finishing myself. Don't know why I thought of it recently, probably because it was around this time of the year (February-March). So it's kind of provoking an old wound some how. "Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not." said my favorite author, Paulo Coelho. I'm not sure if I've ever transformed yet but surely I've been tr...

My love, I've been thanking God everyday for that day you walked into my life. It seems like a destiny. Something inside of me told me that I should go out that night and there you were, smiling...as always. There's something special in you which keep drawing me to be close to you, to know you better. And I was glad you gave me that chance, one of the greatest opportunity in my life that I will never forget. I was a heart-broken girl at that time, I didn't believe in love any more until I found you. You've made my life worth living again. You are everything I could wish for. Your pure love, your care, your sweetness and your warmed heart have made me feel home once again. You've fulfilled my empty and thirsty heart with love. You've dried all those tears of despair. You've made me fall so deep, deeply in love with you. And most of all, you've made me the happiest woman on earth. And I would like to confirm you that; from the first day until this moment, ...

When a monk gave me the name "Yosita", he also described the meaning of it as "a perfect women by appearance and by heart". I almost laughed but I understood his good intention. "Nobody's perfect" ah...yes, I've heard it like a million times already. And also keep reminding myself all the time, it isn't an excuse but it's the fact that I am not perfect at all...not even close. I have realized, long time ago, that I can't please everyone at the same time. I can't reach everyone's standard. I can't make everyone to like me. I'm do envy. I'm do jealousy. I do swear those "S" word and "F" word so often. I have so many flaws. At the moment I'm proud to add some more into my resume which are; rude, ignorance, indifferent, boring, silly and lots more if you ask my boyfriend. Every year I've grown up, I've learn, I've experience but still I've made mistakes. Living a life isn't jus...

#9 Talk to me When I'm in relationship, one of my bad habit is I love talking. I like to communicate, to share stories or to share feeling. I know it sounds annoying for you guys but believe me, it's better than to let your partner keeps imagining worst than it supposes to be. Only if you know girls by now, we tend to think a lot!! And it even annoy myself sometime, I still have no idea why girls have to think that much!! So please, if you have any problem with me, just say it right then. Just let me know what you don't like then I will understand and I won't do it again. I can handle harsh words but I can't handle silent. Silent is such an uncomfortable awkwardness. If you can share that to your friends, wouldn't it be better if you just say it straight to me? Then we can work things out. I am easily to deal with when you know me. I am a reasonable person but still I have a lots to learn in relationship so I will appreciated if you can guide me the way. Just.....

It takes me a long time to consider writing this...it takes all my courage to reveal another side of me. It might not be relevant to the day, Mother's day, but it shows the part of how loving, understanding and how awesome she is...as a mother whom loves her daughter, just the way I am... There's a doubt. There's questions since the time when I confessed to those whom I loved, to my friends and my beloved mother but then I was hesitate... Here and now, I'm gonna share you my side of story. I don't want to be who I am now just because of a popularity or because it's sexy. But because this is me. I found myself attracting to girls since I was in high school, could blame a girl school for that. But then it was back to normal for a while after I left high school. Until, about, 10 years ago that the interest of girls came back once again. When I, for the first time, share a moment with such an incredible person... The longing of girls ceased when I was in ...

When I left my previous relationship, I thought I learn a lot and also thought that I know everything about relationship but I am completely wrong. Relationship is something you have to learn, understand and adjust everyday. And I have to learn it the hard way to realize my mistake. I took advantage of the person I love, I took advantage of his generous. I was just shallow to think that he would be ok of me teasing him. I didn't know the limit and I totally crossed the line. It probably gave out such a terrible impression on me and also obviously bother him much more than I could dare to imagine. I also realize now the power of social network. No, I didn't blame the messenger. None respond doesn't mean they didn't get the message. It's like you keep throwing paddles into a pond, the ring spread out further and bigger. The cost of damage? Unbearable... I admitted my mistake, I take responsible for all my action and I'm not afraid to apologize. And I'm deali...

I believe I have been visiting by the devil recently and he did some test on me, on my birthday. And I did fail, for a moment. I let my emotion took over me and then fear blinded me. I am a burnt child who still afraid of fire no matter how long it passed. That fear still haunts me, in my sleep or even when I wide awake. The fear of deception, the fear of loneliness, the fear of being unwanted, the fear of not being loved... I saw a family was broken in pieces by liar and a thousand of broken promises. I then believe all men is the same. Until I found love, a guy whom I trusted that would never let me down. Another thousand promises I got, a million disappointment I received instead. I start to wonder if it was me... Today when I am recovering, the same devil are knocking on my door again. Can I still trust men? Why should I let them let me down again? That same nasty devil just don't like to see me happy. And he loves to see me suffer when I was in the most vulnerable time. He won...

#8 Good listener After a long day exhausted at work, for sure "Anita" loves some hugs when she arrives home and also someone who can listen to all the shit which happens to her that day. It's not only on the working day but including any occasion when she feels down and when she wanna share some stories, you just need to be there and listen to her patiently. You can interrupt her, sometimes; but check her mood, or give her any advice, again; check her mood. If she's really in a bad mood, just listen to her. If she wants some advice, give her a good one (I mean the one that will not upset her, of course! You know we are 'GIRL', a good excuse for being bitchy and moody all the time!) Some "Anita" could possibly bite your head off if you piss her after her long horrible day, that's the WARNING. Normally we always appreciate our man if he's a good listener, that's all she needs (can apply to some occasion only). But don't worry, some...